the ups and downs

I've been quite frustrated with how my cello playing has been going the past two weeks - nowhere.

It would be fair to say that I have hit a small wall but couldn't manage to find some way to climb over it.  The sound that I'm producing on the cello just hasn't been deep and solid enough.  In the past, this is usually where i would quit.  Thankfully, I do still have some memory left and have decided to take past lessons to heart and stick with it.

During my lesson today, Irina - my cello teacher who pretty much resembles the stereotypical Russian music teacher -  told me that in order to produce a fuller sound, I must let the weight of my arm and shoulder pull down on the bow by pulling up my elbow.  What!?  How am I supposed to simultaneously go up and down?  It didn't seem possible.

It was then that I remembered hearing the same words some time ago - just over a year ago during my ballet lessons.  Yes, I took ballet lesson for a few months.  At this point, please allow me to discourage you from trying to imagine me in a tutu - it wouldn't be a pretty sight.  But I digress.  Getting back to my ballet class, I remember the instructor's words on doing a good plié - you go down by elevating your knees, and you come up by pushing down your feet.  It's that same seemingly contraditory concept of reaching up by pushing down and coming down by pulling up.

This takes me back to high school physics.  Remember Newton?  His third law of motion states that to every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  Okay, fine, I'm not so scientifically minded as I portray myself to be.  My thoughts didn't go directly to Newton.  Instead it went to the image of a tree:  if a tree wants to take its leaves higher, I bet it would have to reach lower with its roots.  Makes good sense, doesn't it?  Well, at least it sounds good.

So perhaps it is the same with the cello, ballet, or anything else.  To reach high, we must dig down.  To reach low, we must extend up.  Go up left, we must go right.  Okay, maybe not so far.  But you get my point, right?

Now stop thinking about the tutu.

a tootsie roll?

okay, in my defense, i've been busy.

do i even believe that myself?  somewhat.  

it really has been nearly four months since i've written in my blog.  and while i have been busy, at times more than i bargained for, the reality is that i didn't think i had anything interesting about which to write.

i've been telling myself that all my creative juices are spent on the script i'm writing when in fact i've just been censoring myself.  bad thing to do.  one of the biggest wastes of my intelligence has been creating reasons why i shouldn't do things, when in fact if i stopped wasting time doing the said activity, i probably would not be so busy.  

over the holidays, i caught up with my cousin yishun who is a fantastic writer; we had been communicating sporadically with an email here and there.  with just a few words, she was able to convince me to write about whatever.  n'importe quoi.

so back to this evil of censoring oneself.  i remember now that it was a topic in my improv class a few months ago.  we are all constantly obsessed with the concern (sometimes even fear) of not being funny enough, smart enough, pretty enough, important enough, that we don't allow ourselves to just be enough and do enough.

just like michael dorsey.  or is it dorothy michaels?  remember who they are?  yes, from the movie "tootsie," which i just watched for the very first time this evening.  a one-sentence synopsis to refresh your memory:  michael dorsey, played by dustin hoffman, can't get a job as an actor, so he auditions for a role in a soap as the actress dorothy michaels.  consequently, he discovers himself (herself?) through the eyes of a woman.

so were they the eyes of a woman or a man?  good question, and that's exactly my point.  we all define ourselves as who we are supposed to be, and as a result, we miss numerous opportunities to explore what we initially believed impossible.  dorothy allowed herself to be a woman, to think like a woman - no longer must she watch baseball with a beer in one hand and scratching her crotch with the other (is that a stereotypical straight male image?), or, or... okay, i can't think of another such image at the moment.  

i'm not saying that i'll put on a dress tomorrow morning to embrace my feminine side; i'm saying that i want to challenge myself to do certain things and to express certain thoughts which i previously thought would make me appear weak, stupid, ugly, poor, boring, unsophisticated, smelly, uncool, or all of the above.  uhhh.... smelly?  n'importe quoi.

so i expect you all to check back here often, because i am interesting, what i write is interesting, and that's that.

where do i buy chill pills?

If you're reading this blog in chronological order, you probably have the impression that time is passing rather quickly. The reason? It has been almost two months since my last entry.

What can I say, I've been busy. Like I mentioned last time, I joined a community orchestra. September 13 was our concert, which turned out to be a great success. The 400-seat, beautiful, modern venue was pretty much sold out. Performing again (since my college days) was a great thrill; I had forgotten how much I enjoyed musically performing for an audience. I want it back. For good.

I suppose deep down, this passion for performing is like showing off, but in a good, productive way. An artist shows off his skills on stage, an athlete shows off hers in a stadium; as a result, people witness the wonders of someone doing something really, really well. For the performer, it's addictive.

So my next challenge, since I have no intention of joining Performers Anonymous, is to improve my skills in playing the cello to catch up with the skill level of the rest of the orchestra. Yes, I admit it, I need help. After all, my cello skills come from one year of monthly lessons, which aren't likely to put me side by side with Yo-Yo Ma or Jacqueline du Pré. Therefore, my next mission is to search for a cello instructor - I've got three lined up already.

One of the first things to correct is the tension I have when playing the cello. During the faster runs of a piece, my shoulders become as stiff as - well, insert here anything stiff you can think of. Even a beginner cellist like me knows that tension and stiffness in your body isn't likely to help produce beautiful musical tones.

And speaking of tension, I am reminded of my tennis instructor's comments about my forehand: I hit the shot "like a thalidomide baby," meaning that my arms and shoulder become so tense that I contract the elbow, thus producing one failed shot after another. When it comes to descriptive terms for my tennis skills, my instructor comes up with the most politically incorrect but at the same time very effective and imaginative words.

To sum all this up, I've come to appreciate that if I learn to relax with everything I do, I would do it all that much better, that much more effortlessly, which in turn would make me a better performer. So here's the problem, how? That's a tall order for someone who has been tense and uptight all his life (yes, I know myself well). Yoga? Taichi? Buddhism? I don't know which would work, but I thought I would try the American way - find a pill for my problems.

So if any of you know where I can find some chill pills, let me know. In the meantime, I will concentrate my efforts on learning how to relax, how to enjoy every moment of every wonderful and exciting thing that I do, and how to laugh (in a relaxing manner of course) at every mistake I make along the way. I also will have tennis and cello instructors to help me along the way.

I bet that as soon as I relax in one thing, be it cello, tennis, or life, everything else will follow smoothly and zenly along. Peace out.

what comes next?

If you find yourself frequently wandering what you'll be doing X years from now or planning your schedule weeks or even months in advance, then you probably live in the future, just like me.

No doubt, we've all heard the phrase "live in the present," but I just cannot seem to let go of that taunting yet unreachable future.

In my improv class the other day, our fantastic teacher Barbara Scott discussed with us a critical element regarding this art. Say you're on stage doing improv with a partner, and all of a sudden, right after he responds "it's great" to your question of how his coffee is, you freeze up. You don't know what to say or do - you don't know "what happens next."

Even though we aren't wonderful stage actors (at least not yet), that is exactly our problem, isn't it? We're always asking ourselves and planning what happens next. It's that next big event that's going to give us a big break. Will I be promoted? Will my boyfriend propose? Am I going to finally get pregnant? Will I move to New York and pursue an acting career even though my louse of an ex lives there?

The solution is another question - "what comes next?" Rather than thinking about something that will happen, just do whatever comes next. For the actor who is frozen on stage with a million watts shining on him and several hundred pairs of eyes, including that of his partner, fixated on him, there is no need to panic and no need to let the enlarging pool of sweat stain under his armpits (hello, Mary Catherine Gallagher) frighten him. Simply take a sip of the coffee. Simple, huh? You've got coffee in front of you, so drink it - that's what comes next.

For us, just get in your car, drive to work, do your work; call your boyfriend and go on a date; research acting schools and find one that suits you - whatever it may be, just do it, in little steps. Eventually, whatever will happen will happen.

In other words, I don't need to worry if my tennis will improve to the level I want it to be, if I can play five difficult pieces on the cello with the Bay Area Rainbow Symphony in less than two months, or if I will ever become a great director. I'll simply continue my tennis lessons and go out and play like I'm already doing, practice the cello as much as I can, and continue to write my scripts.

So if you're stuck in life and don't know what will happen next, just take a sip of your coffee, unless if you have heartburn - coffee is bad for heartburn.

a déjà vu that I truly déjà vu

Ever had one of those moments when you felt like you had done and see all this before, and everything was happening all over again? Luckily, I had such a moment last night. But unlike a typical déjà vu moment, I knew exactly when and where I had last experienced it.

I attended the first rehearsal for the San Francisco Bay Area Rainbow Symphony last night after a week apprehension due to the difficulty of the pieces we will be performing. I don't know which skill I have retained more - two years of learning the cello, four years removed; or ten years of the violin, fifteen years ago. Finally, I chose the cello since that is the instrument I prefer to play at this moment.

When 7:30 pm arrived last night and the group of about 50 musicians gathered, all the sensations and sentiments came flooding back. It wasn't that I could recall a specific memory from six years of orchestra during high school and college, it was simply the tingling in my heart when the concert master signalled the oboist to play an A note for tuning. The familiarity continued with the conductor's very first downbeat of the evening and even the occasional (okay, fine, maybe frequent) dissonance of pitch as we struggled to sight read masterpieces by Schubert and Mendelssohn.

The entire experience was almost surreal, and despite stumbling through many parts that moved too quickly for my skills, I knew I had rediscovered something that I had missed for a very long time.

At the end of two and a half hours, my neck was stiff from tilting it at an odd angle to read the music and my arms were aching from repeatedly jumping from the low C to the high A with the bow, but my heart and mind soared beyond the high A like a kite in blistering winds and couldn't be coaxed down even late at night as I lay in bed.

Now, a day later, returning to work has brought me down to cloud seven. I can't wait until next Wednesday when the symphony meets again.

I just have to practice, practice, practice...

waking up from reality

Was I really in Paris, or was it all a dream?

It has been exactly one month since I returned from Paris to San Francisco, and already it feels like months ago when I was in the city of "metro, boulot, dodo" (metro, work, sleep). Every now and then I wonder if I actually lived in Paris for two months, had pastries for breakfast nearly everyday, explored the streets of Paris with a camera and an absorbing mind, and travelled to the Provence and the Alps for some unforgettable adventures.

I questioned this particularly when I got on the scale upon my return and realized I lost five pounds while in Paris. Yes, recognize your jealousy and move on. But losing five pounds after two months of French dining, pastries, and ice cream! Must have been all that walking.

The way I see it, Paris was really a launching pad for the next phase. The little gray cells began to churn, and daydreams began to mix with reality. One of the things that happened during my last week in Paris has led to an exciting new project which will commence in one week.

The one thing that I miss the most of all the activities that I used to do when younger is performing in a music ensemble. This may come as a surprise to some, but there is a performer inside of me that's waiting to leap out and prance about on any stage to relive the old days of orchestras, marching bands, and choruses. On one of my last days in Paris, I saw a flyer for a concert by the Paris Rainbow Symphony Orchestra. I thought it would be fun to attend, especially since they were playing some great pieces, but unfortunately the concert had already happened the night before. Disappointed, I scanned down to the bottom of the flyer where I saw the words "in affiliation with the San Francisco Bay Area Rainbow Symphony." Now that was a surprise. I didn't even know that such a symphony existed in Frisco!

As soon as I returned to SF on June 3, I searched online for the ensemble. To my delight, their very first concert was going to be June 8 at 7 pm. The timing was perfect! I'll go to the concert, check them out, then join them to unleash the performer in me that has been dormant for the past 15 years. No such luck - I realized I was scheduled to work from 10 am to 9 pm that day.

And then, when I got to work that day, I realized I was mistakenly scheduled to work only until 6 pm. Perhaps it is true what people say - that when you want something and work hard to achieve, certain forces in nature seems to be on yourside to make sure you succeed. I was able to attend the concert after all, and I will be joining them for the next set of rehearsals in one week. Now I just have to decide whether I'll play the violin or the cello.

So besides music, my other projects now include tennis (I've started taking lessons to improve), acting (my improv class is the one thing I look forward to the most every week), script writing, and studying French, which definitely will suffer a bit away from Paris. Sometimes I do one thing then later wonder if I really did it or just dreamed it.

It doesn't make a difference, I just enjoy it all.