Perhaps not every opportunity needs to be seized. Not every opportunity is an opportunity. This one simply wasn't enough for me to give up things for. Learn from the experience. Move on.
About tomorrow...
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
just sort of do it?
It all started with an invitation to an internship at a new friend's film production company here in San Francisco.
Everything was going to be great - I would watch and observe the editor and director at work, learn a lot of new things, and perhaps help with film projects.
Now, one week later, the internship has begun and ended prematurely; and my overthinking mind is left to analyze it to death.
First of all, it wasn't exactly an internship. It was going to be like a semi-internship as I could only devote a couple of visits to the office each week. During the first and final week, I was there three times, for a total of eight hours. It didn't take long for me to feel that any time spent at the semi-internship meant time taken away from cello practice, tennis games, and, of course, script writing. Besides, I was helping the company with research on business expansion and wasn't quite getting the hands-on experience I had hoped for.
At least that's what I told myself.
So, after one week, I told my boss Carl that the timing wasn't right, and I was overly ambitious to think that I could devote enough time to his company. He took it very well, saying that when I am ready to commit to filmmaking, I would be able to give up the other things in my life and devote myself to it completely.
I had doubts. Just like Meryl Streep at the end of the film "Doubt."
That's when I called my cousin Debbie, who is a singer/composer in Taiwan. She had been through a tough period of searching for her place in the music world, so I knew she would be able to understand my situation. Plus she always gives it to me straight. No sugar-coating anything. Sort of like a more pleasant, prettier, female version of me.
Minutes into our conversation, she was already pointing all the things I had feared were true but didn't want to confront. Here were the questions she raised:
What makes me think I could gauge what the company is like after eight hours working with them? Why should anyone hire an intern who could only devote eight hours a week? Why should I expect to be handed projects that were to my liking? What could I possibly expect to accomplish by working eight hours a week? Why should I expect to be taught anything? Obviously, this isn't medical school.
But the most important question was this: if I am seriously passionate about film, why can't I give up everything else to do it, to breathe it, to live it?
I have lots of answers to each and every question, none of them really good.
As a side note, this brought up a brief conversation about the concept that each of us already knows the answer to the important questions in life, but 99.9999% of us have our minds clouded by greed, pride, and whatever other sins and desires you can think of. But I digress.
I don't want to believe that my personality will lead me to everywhere and consequently nowhere (that's what my father tells me and hence advises me to stick with medicine). But I do believe it is time to seriously reevaluate my priorities and what I really want to accomplish.
It would be nice to have answers handed to me. But I know it won't happen that way. The path toward my goals is likely 10 times more difficult that I was preparing for, and I am standing at every intersection, ready to provide all sorts of obstacle.
The next time an opportunity presents itself, will I "just do it" or will I "just sort of do it"?
I have an answer: I need to get rid of "me."
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