what's a little cold?

Over the weekend, I hopped on Virgin America and bid good-bye to San Francisco and her gloomy, cold rain.

An hour later, Los Angeles welcomed me with a blustering rain storm. With a kinder gesture, my mom welcome me in her SUV. We then drove in the infamous LA traffic for over two hours, instead of the typical 45 minutes. There were cars going every which way, yet no one seemed to be going anywhere.

When we finally arrived home, what awaited me was our dear, near-freezing home. How could I possibly have forgotten her temperament? You see, she is scorching in the summer and frigid in the winter. How fondly I have loved and missed her.

Over the next few days, my mom caught me up on her exciting life of back and joint pains and the joys and woes of being a grandmother. And I, well, I shared with her my knowledge of Skype and MacBooks. In between our talks over hot water infused with lemon wedges, she cooked up a storm of her own, enough for the two of us, my sister, her husband, their two kids, and the three quails held prisoners as pets.

I returned to San Francisco this afternoon, to my apartment which is so small that it is rarely cold. I also returned to three days of junk mail, an inbox full of emails to be addressed, and an empty refrigerator. Luckily, my mom had sent along with me three days worth of left-overs that safely passed through airport scanners unscathed.

The heater and the cups of hot water may have partially warmed my body in LA, but it was my mom's cooking, 400 miles away from their origin, that warmed my heart in San Francisco.

Life is good.

it's hard to believe...

It was not the best of weeks, it was not the best of days.

Okay, so mine isn't exactly A Tale of Two Cities, but it is a tale that happens in one city - San Francisco.

The last few days have gone by miserably for me, and I write this as I wallow in self-pity. They were days when nothing seems to go your way.

I wondered... obsessed... reflected... and wondered some more.

So, thankfully, I had the foresight one month ago to take the day off. To take my mind off my life, I drove myself to Ocean Beach at 11 in the morning. Perhaps watching other people live theirs would encourage me to have a little excitement in my own. It's time to wander instead of wonder.

After days of clouds and rain, San Francisco was surprisingly blue today. As I watched crystal blue sky, the foamy waves, and the shape-shifting clouds, I couldn't help but think about a song that holds special meaning for me.

It was about 7 or 8 years when a good friend of mine asked me to listen to a Mandarin pop song called Believe. Typically, it takes several rounds for me to warm up to a new piece of music. This was love at first note. I particularly loved the lyrics, which goes something like this:

Suddenly I realized I was all alone,
a bit of loneliness mixed with a hint of sadness.
I don't know how tomorrow will be,
even though today the sky is blue, the clouds white, and the breeze soothing.
I'll allow myself to leave today's entry blank in my diary,
no need to worry about everything that has happened.
Abandon any desire to work or any troublesome thoughts that surface,
abandon the desire to think about you,
what is mine will one day come,
I will not walk away from this challenge.

I sang in this song in the car, in the shower, in my mind. The words always surfaced during times like today.

A few years later, I found the music video for the song on YouTube. And there it was - the name of the composer - my cousin Debbie from Taiwan.

So there you have it - my attempt to leave today blank - no script writing, no work, no trace of its existence - except for this blog entry.

But it's hard to believe... As much as my brain wants to, my heart won't cooperate. Too many questions without answers. Too many beginnings without endings. One plus one is seldom two, especially when one doesn't know one.

That is how my day has been - a walk on the beach, a stop at Burger King for an Original Chicken Sandwich, and a few thoughts about the most important questions in life: should I get a dog? How wrinkled will I become when I get old?

There were other questions, most without answers. I wonder when I'll be an answer.

It's hard to believe...