it's hard to believe...

It was not the best of weeks, it was not the best of days.

Okay, so mine isn't exactly A Tale of Two Cities, but it is a tale that happens in one city - San Francisco.

The last few days have gone by miserably for me, and I write this as I wallow in self-pity. They were days when nothing seems to go your way.

I wondered... obsessed... reflected... and wondered some more.

So, thankfully, I had the foresight one month ago to take the day off. To take my mind off my life, I drove myself to Ocean Beach at 11 in the morning. Perhaps watching other people live theirs would encourage me to have a little excitement in my own. It's time to wander instead of wonder.

After days of clouds and rain, San Francisco was surprisingly blue today. As I watched crystal blue sky, the foamy waves, and the shape-shifting clouds, I couldn't help but think about a song that holds special meaning for me.

It was about 7 or 8 years when a good friend of mine asked me to listen to a Mandarin pop song called Believe. Typically, it takes several rounds for me to warm up to a new piece of music. This was love at first note. I particularly loved the lyrics, which goes something like this:

Suddenly I realized I was all alone,
a bit of loneliness mixed with a hint of sadness.
I don't know how tomorrow will be,
even though today the sky is blue, the clouds white, and the breeze soothing.
I'll allow myself to leave today's entry blank in my diary,
no need to worry about everything that has happened.
Abandon any desire to work or any troublesome thoughts that surface,
abandon the desire to think about you,
what is mine will one day come,
I will not walk away from this challenge.

I sang in this song in the car, in the shower, in my mind. The words always surfaced during times like today.

A few years later, I found the music video for the song on YouTube. And there it was - the name of the composer - my cousin Debbie from Taiwan.

So there you have it - my attempt to leave today blank - no script writing, no work, no trace of its existence - except for this blog entry.

But it's hard to believe... As much as my brain wants to, my heart won't cooperate. Too many questions without answers. Too many beginnings without endings. One plus one is seldom two, especially when one doesn't know one.

That is how my day has been - a walk on the beach, a stop at Burger King for an Original Chicken Sandwich, and a few thoughts about the most important questions in life: should I get a dog? How wrinkled will I become when I get old?

There were other questions, most without answers. I wonder when I'll be an answer.

It's hard to believe...